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"Dear Doctor Macque
I'm increasingly unsettled by the effects of the Bush Administration and his one maned crusade against Terrorism, which
has draged the UK through the quagmire. Please can you suggest a way I can deal with this onslaught of fascism without resorting
to physical violence?"
Tony B. Lair
London
Doctor Maque writes
"Tony, your letter is among one of many I recieve, I urge you to join an underground militia and hatch a plot to
assasinate George W.Bush. If this isn't something you would consider then I suggest taking your own life as you seem to be
polishing brass on the Titanic. Its all going down baby."
Sincerely yours,
Doctor Maque
Feel free to tell us your problems- while we cannot guarantee to be able to solve them all, we will print the best ones
and laugh our bananas off if they're funny enough...
Dear Monkey Army, I suspect one of my close friends is raising an army of monkeys to overthrow humanity and establish an ape
reich for all eternity. Should I confront her or should I adopt a live and let live approach, at least until I'm gunned down
by simian terrorists?
Also, whats the best cure for rampant genital warts? It's not for me it's for a "friend"...
Mr Smith
Brighton
Dear Mr Smith,
This letter has been passed around the office and we suspect we know to whom you refer, however we urge you for the sake
of all mankind to let it slide man! no-one ever benefitted from stirring up a hornets nest, and if you ask me, this person
sounds like they would cut off your head with a rusty spoon just for looking at you a bit funny- you catch my drift?
Doctor Maque advises the best cure for gential warts its to hack them off with an old tenon saw, or daub them with a rabid
goats eye pus! Wish your 'friend' good luck! And tell him to keep his knob out of cat flaps!
Sincerely yours,
The Monkey Army (tm)
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"Dear Doctor Maque,
my husband goes out late at night and comes home reeking of bananas. I also discovered a 0800 number on our itemsised
BT bill. I fear that he may have become a slave to a Monkey Dominatrix who performs human punishment and submissive banana
fun. Please help me understand, and suggest ways I can deal with this."
Lady Barden Barden
Stoke Newington.
Doctor Maque Writes
"Dear Lady. I assume your husband may have become enraptured in a state of monkey lust. I myself have been known
to frequent such establishments in the aim of recieving banana love. I encourage you to be supportive of your husbands needs,
after all, female humans have such big hands. Perhaps you should sit down and have your husband go into details about his
rather perverse sexual forays of the simian kind. And then let us know the name of the establishment and how much Mistress
Howler charges by the hour, cheers."
Sincerely yours
Doctor Maque
You want more? Tell us what you want- what you really really want.
" Dear Monkey Army
how about some pictures of that monkey minx,the lovely Mistress Sharlene? I was lucky enough to see her at London Zoo
before she was liberated and became mascot for the troops, now I hardly get a look in and my crown jewels are the size of
coconuts!"
Lionel Blair
Hull
The Monkey Army (tm) writes
"Dear Lionel, we are literally inundated with the same requests. So due to the overwhelming amount of begging letters
we recive from you hapless and irreverent humans for some monkey fur, we are happy to oblige and will soon be creating a page
devoted to some of our more attractive lay-deez. So here you go for now- the lovely sharlene- you dirty sad little man."
Sincerely yours,
The Monkey Army (tm)
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